Confirming and Committing to Your Forum’s Operating Principles

Most forums have a constitution or set of norms that includes principles the forum intends to follow.  Sample guidelines include:

  • I will respect confidentiality.
  • I will be present in the moment.
  • I will stay around when times get tough.
  • I will speak my truth.
  • I will not blame, shame, or fix others.

To confirm your forum’s principles, and to help everyone commit to them, consider taking up each of your principles (perhaps one per meeting), and asking:

  1. Personal interpretation: What does the operating principle mean to you and what, if anything, do you want to improve on with regard to practicing the principle?  (Each person up to 1 minute)
  2. Sharing of best practices: How have you overcome challenges in practicing the operating principle or coached others to do so?  (volunteers)
  3. Compliance to date: Are there any red flags that you think need to be addressed now regarding our forum’s compliance with the operating principle? (volunteers)

These conversations can help your forum truly make your principles more than just boilerplate text, and can improve your forum’s effectiveness in practicing the principles.

So Your Values Live On: Sharing Your Leadership Legacy

Most successful businesspeople, by a certain age, plan to put their financial and material affairs in order to facilitate a smooth transition of business ownership and other possessions to the next generation.  But far fewer consider how they will pass on their non-material assets – what they want to be remembered for, what they see as their leadership and personal legacy.

Fortunately, the little known, but ancient tradition of ethical wills provides a beautiful vehicle to do this, and your forum can be the ideal place to begin the writing process in a confidential, supportive group of peers.

For centuries, both famous statesmen and average people have been moved to write their own ethical wills (also called “legacy letters”), to pass along not only possessions but also beliefs and stories to their children, grandchildren, and larger community.

To begin the process, forum members might ask themselves:

  • What do you wish you had been able to ask your parents, grandparents, or business mentors? (It’s likely your children, grandchildren, or business successors have similar questions for you!)
  • Who have been the biggest influences on your life? What lessons did those people teach you?
  • How have your most challenging life experiences shaped who you are today?
  • How has your life been different than you imagined? Do you have any regrets?
  • What lessons has your work life taught you? Do any favorite stories illustrate these points?

Conversations about these topics in your forum serve another critical purpose: The reflection and writing process can help each of us think deeply about how we want to live and lead in our own personal and professional lives today.  We are giving a gift as much to ourselves as to anyone else.    Simply stated, ethical wills have the power to make people confront the ultimate choices that they must make in their lives.  They can make people who are usually too preoccupied with earning a living stop and consider what they are living for.

A written ethical will is the traditional approach, but the concept is to share your legacy, not restricted to a particular format.  Each of us must chart our own course, as suggested by a recent New York Times article on bringing the ethical will into the 21st Century.  Some may choose to write a letter (long or short), others to record a video, and still others not to write or record at all, but to use their new thinking to inform their actions or to change the way they spend time with family and at work.

All human beings want to feel that their lives have mattered, that they have made a difference for the better in the people they have touched.  Read some examples of ethical wills prepared by others, discuss the idea in your forum, and then try your hand at writing one of your own.  You deserve to know what life has taught you, and the not-yet born children of your children’s children will thank you for it.

Bob Halperin received an ethical will from his grandfather, has written legacy letters to his children, and has led multiple workshops and retreats on this topic.

Dilbert (and his boss) on the perils of giving advice

Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert must either be in a forum, or have learned in other ways that the path of telling people what to do (giving advice) is fraught with peril.  Witness two of his recent cartoon strips on this topic.

In Adams’ first strip, the pointy-haired boss observes (in a rare bit of wisdom from his mouth) that “advice only works for the one who gives it.”  In Adams’ second strip, Dilbert responds to an offer of advice that “advice is just ego and ignorance disguised as helpfulness.”

In both cases, Adams’ observations reflect that advice is often more about value for the giver than for the recipient; and more about judging the recipient than looking honestly at oneself.

Consider sharing these humorous takes on advice giving with your forum mates, and channeling Scott Adams the next time you serve as your forum’s language observer.

How does your brain process emotions: Lessons from the Disney/Pixar movie “Inside Out”

The recently released movie “Inside Out” may wow you with its animations and special effects, but it is not a children’s movie.  We peer inside the brain of a young girl and see five emotions – joy, sadness, anger, disgust, and fear – fighting to control what will be imprinted into her core memory, and with which emotional “color.” Encourage everyone in your forum to watch the movie before your next meeting, and then pose some of these questions suggested by Abigail Burd:

  1. When we meet Riley, most of the time Joy is in charge of her thoughts and personality. Which emotion(s) do you feel most often?
  2. Riley and her family go through a lot of changes when they move from Minnesota to San Francisco. Have you ever gone through a big transition like this?
  3. How are the glowing balls, or “core memories” made? What are yours?
  4. What do the core memories have to do with Riley’s personality?
  5. When Sadness touches one of the happy core memories, she colors it blue. What do you think is going on then? Is it possible that our current moods can color our past memories? Or how we define our personality?
  6. When Riley’s mother tells her that she is helping her parents by being their “happy girl,” Riley feels pressure to only show them her joy. What do you think of this?
  7. Do you think that our society values certain emotions over others? Which ones?
  8. At the end of the movie, Joy learns that other emotions, especially Sadness, are also important. Why?
  9. Do you think it is easier for males or females, or for younger or older people, to express different emotions? Which ones? Why?

How to live wisely: Some questions for your forum

Harvard professor Richard Light recently wrote in the New York Times about a new seminar for undergraduates called “Reflecting on Your Life.”  The format and the questions posed are designed to help freshmen identify their goals and reflect systematically about various aspects of their life.  The intended audience may be young adults, but it struck me that, with a little adaptation, forum members at any age could benefit from this approach.  Two examples:

  • Make a list of how you want to spend your time over the next six months. What matters to you? What’s important?  Next, make a list of how you actually spent your time, on average, each day over the past week, and then compare the lists.  Finally, ask yourself, how well do your commitments actually match your goals?
  • If you could become extraordinarily good at one thing versus being pretty good at many things, which approach would you choose? Given your choice, how can you organize your life to follow your chosen path in a purposeful way?

See the full article for more exercises you could adapt and bring to your forum.

The top five regrets of the dying …

The Huffington Post recently published an article by Bronnie Ware entitled “Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”

The items listed in this article provide a powerful catalyst for a forum conversation on this topic:

  1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
  2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
  3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
  4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
  5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

(Read the full article for a fuller discussion of each of these points.)

How do you feel as you read each of these statements?  What might you learn about yourself as you listen to your forum mates react to these thoughts?

Business topics for your forum

Many forums ask about getting business value from forum.  Consider tackling one or more of the following topics at a future meeting:

  • Raising and engaging in difficult conversations at work
  • Growth directions for young companies
  • How to prepare for growth/growing pains
  • Finding the courage to say NO to enable/allow resources for another YES
  • How to be honest with your employees about challenges/opportunities
  • Choosing the right people/hiring the right people quickly
  • Choosing the right business model
  • How to avoid commoditization/remaining differentiated
  • Preserving your company culture through change
  • Do I have the leadership skills needed to take my business to the next level/stage?
  • How can I help my business get through the existential challenge(s) we are facing right now

Moving from “I” to “We”

Professor Bill George, in his book Finding Your True North, A Personal Guide, suggests that living authentically and with purpose requires a shift from an “I” to a “We” orientation.  Following is an exercise from his book that could easily be used by a forum at a regular meeting or retreat.

Looking at your life story, describe a time when you were leading from an “I” orientation?

Describe a time when you were leading from a “We” orientation?

In leading from a “We” orientation, what impact did I have on others and on the results I wanted to achieve?  How did this compare to the “I” orientation?

What percentage of my time is currently marked by leading from the “We” orientation?  What percentage of my time should this be?

Leading from “We”: At present ____%    In the future ____%

As Professor George says, in reality, there are times when you are “I” oriented, and other times when you are “We” oriented.  The important question is how much of your time as a leader is spend in one rather than the other, and whether you can lead from the orientation you need, when you need it.

This exercise can help all forum members learn where they are in shifting from an “I” to a “We” orientation.

If I was 10 times bolder…

Consider the following two-part activity for use at a future forum meeting.

Part I: At the beginning of the meeting, as an icebreaker exercise, ask each member to complete the following sentence:

If I was 10 times bolder than I am, I would…”

Part II: Before updates or before members are asked to add possible presentation topics to the parking lot, ask each member to complete this sentence:

If I was 10 times bolder than I am, I would share this update or explore this topic with the forum…

The Final Frontier: Starting a Conversation in Your Forum about Money

It’s sometimes said that money is the final frontier of forum.  When forums are willing to share deeply about a topic like this, they have reached a level of trust and vulnerability that leads to transformational value.

This does not mean that all members have to be ready to disclose income, net worth, and other key financial indicators.  Instead, consider these options:

  1. One (brave) member shares voluntarily their financial snapshot, and then describes how they think about their situation, options, and concerns. Others can then respond with their own experience, without feeling they need to disclose specific numbers.
  2. Here’s a list of a great list of conversation-starting questions (adapted from a recent Wall Street Journal article on this topic):
  • What is your most painful money memory?
  • What is your most joyful money memory?
  • How did these experiences shape your relationship with money?
  • What three things did your parents teach you about money?
  • Which of these lessons have you applied in your financial life?
  • Was your family rich, poor, or middle class growing up? How did you feel about that?
  • What were your family’s values around money?
  • What is your greatest financial fear?
  • What are your most important financial goals? Do you know how much is “enough” for you, this year and long term?
  • What are you willing to do differently around money?

I would love to hear how your forum approaches this topic.  We can all learn from each other.