afsonline

Safe and known, known and safe

The following beautiful poem by Merle Feld, called “Dreaming of Home,” was recently brought to my attention.

We want so much to be in that place
where we are respected and cherished,
protected, acknowledged,
nurtured, encouraged, heard. 

And seen, seen
in all our loveliness,
in all our fragile strength.

And safe,
safe in all our trembling vulnerability. 

Where we are known and safe,
safe and known. 

Is it possible?

We might ask ourselves and our forum mates if our forum is such a place?  If yes, we are truly blessed.  If not, what further questions might we ask?

Five Essential Questions in Life… and in Forum

James Ryan, Dean of the Harvard Graduate School of Education, in his commencement address this year, suggests that there are five key questions we must regularly ask ourselves.  His questions also strike me as great ones to ask of each other during a forum meeting.

Dean Ryan argues that, if we get in the habit of asking these questions, we’ll have a great chance of being both successful and happy. In this six minute excerpt from his talk, he explains why he highly recommends these particular questions:

1. Wait, what? (a question at the root of all understanding)
2. I wonder, why/if? (a question at the heart of all curiosity)
3. Couldn’t we at least…? (a question at the beginning of all progress)
4. How can I help? (a question at the base of all good relations)
5. What really matters to me/us? (a question that gets you to the heart of life)

Dean Ryan ends with a final bonus question: “And did you get what you wanted out of life, even so?” Life even at its best is filled with pain, sorrow and disappointments.  Still, even so, he asks, are you living a fulfilling life?

If you ask the first five questions regularly, you just might be able to answer the bonus question, “Yes, I did.”

What Google learned from its quest to build the perfect team …

A recent New York Times Magazine article profiled Google’s efforts to enhance the efficiency and productivity of its teams.  What Google found to be effective at work parallels what we have known for a long time about healthy forums.

Perhaps the most important point: Great teams (and great forums) ensure “psychological safety,” a sense of confidence that the group will not embarrass, reject or punish someone for speaking up.  Psychological safety leads to a team or forum climate characterized by interpersonal trust and mutual respect in which people are comfortable being themselves.

As your forum begins its next meeting, ask yourself and each other:

• Do I/we feel safe in this group?
• Can I share my toughest challenges and highest aspirations without feeling that I will be judged?
• Do our forum norms (the traditions, behavioral standards, and unwritten rules that govern how we function) reinforce our sense of psychological safety?

Should a member take a sabbatical from their forum?

Forums sometimes ask about members taking a “sabbatical” for a period of time or participating on a remote or limited basis.  Several considerations if your forum finds itself in this situation:

• If a member cannot commit to participate regularly, a sabbatical may be the best choice.  If everyone else is very committed, and a member is sort of in and sort of not, it is not great for forum health.  Everyone (including the partly committed member) could get frustrated pretty quickly.
• If everyone agrees that a member will take a sabbatical, it should be for a clearly defined period, typically no more than one year.
• As the end of the designated time period approaches, the forum should revisit the member’s status.  Is the member rejoining with everyone’s agreement and commitment, or would it be better for the member to permanently resign?  No one’s status should not be left indeterminate or open ended.
• Before a sabbatical or resignation, invite the departing member to give an “exit” presentation.  The theme can be around goals for the sabbatical or long term life goals.  The presentation can end with everyone expressing appreciation for the member’s contribution to the forum.
• If, instead of a sabbatical, a member is going to stay in and participate remotely, see these best practices for virtual participation: https://alumniforumblog.com/2013/09/09/attending-your-forum-meeting-virtually-the-right-way-to-do-it/

Updates focused on business and leadership

Members often join forum for business value, but may then find that personal or family issues take a large part of the forum’s time.  To help surface members’ business and leadership challenges, consider using this new, specialized update form at one of your future meetings.  You will quickly build a parking lot focused on three key dimensions: the future of my business, my business today, and personal leadership.

Putting a bow on it: How (and how not) to conclude a forum meeting

Forum meetings can come to a close in many different ways, some that build connection and community, and other that leave members dissatisfied or disappointed.

The classic ending:

• Each member shares a new perspective, insight, planned action, or new appreciation as a result of the meeting. (This can even be a standard practice every time.)

Other options and possibilities

• +/Delta: what went well in the meeting, what could we have done better?
• Appreciation for each other. In its shortest form, each person turns to the one on their left and shares something they appreciate about their contribution to the forum.  The process continues around the circle.
• Letter to myself
  • Each person writes a letter to him or herself that summarizes what they specifically commit to do differently as a result of the meeting.
  • Each letter goes into sealed envelope; the moderator collects the letters and mails them out in two weeks.

How not to conclude a meeting:

• With housekeeping (meeting scheduling or other logistic matters). Take care of these items earlier in the agenda so the meeting can end on a high note with substantive value.
• With one or two people rushing out because the clock has been ignored, and some members can’t stay beyond the agreed ending time.
• With issues or problems that have been raised and not cleared. Clearing the air is usually done at the beginning of a meeting, but it can be done at any time.  Don’t allow issues to fester; address them as soon as you can.

Tackling life’s hardest challenges: Have you articulated your forum’s purpose?

Does your forum have a constitution or set of norms that summarizes goals, expectations, and responsibilities?  If you have such a document, has the forum reviewed it recently to confirm that it is up-to-date and reflects the way the forum wants to operate?

I encourage you to review the beautiful purpose statement created by a relatively new Harvard Business School forum in New York.  On two, carefully crafted pages, they describe their purpose, who they are, how they work together, and what success looks like.  It’s suitable for framing, and they’ve graciously agreed to share it with others.  Bring this document to your next forum meeting, and use it as a launching point to start a conversation about your forum’s purpose.

Paying it backward: An exercise in self-reflection and gratitude

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.  – Pericles (495 BC-492 BC)

The concept of “paying it forward” has been popularized in recent years: We strive to respond to a kindness or support we have received by being kind to someone else. But do we pause often enough to thank those whose original support inspired us in the first place?

The following forum exercise demands we do just that. The steps are as follows:

• In your next forum meeting, ask each member to share the story of a person who had a big, positive impact on their life, but whom they have never properly thanked.
• If time allows (perhaps during a retreat), give members time to compose a letter that they could actually deliver to the person they’ve selected. Ask each member to commit to deliver their message by some future forum meeting, perhaps three months in the future to allow adequate time to make the connection.
• Members deliver their messages in one of the following ways, depending on the circumstances: in a personal meeting, by telephone, or via handwritten letter or email. If the person is no longer alive, the forum member’s thoughts and feelings could be shared with a surviving spouse or children.
• You may even hold members accountable. In the same way members can be fined for arriving late to a forum meeting, failure to complete the assigned task could require a similar penalty.
• At the designated, future forum meeting, members discuss:
  • The story of delivering their message of gratitude
  • Reflections on what this act meant to the recipient and to them
  • How can I pay it forward? How can I be a better role model, mentor, or booster so that others can benefit in the same way that I have?
  • Inspired by this experience, do we want to do this again in the future, each choosing another person to whom we want to express gratitude in this way?

Bill George on the Power of Forum

Bill George, the former CEO of Medtronic and current HBS professor, has offered a wealth of wisdom to forums over the years.

Most recently, Bill wrote on the Huffington Post about the Power of Vulnerability.  He quotes the rock singer Criss Jami who said “to show your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable, to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”  Our forums are truly transformative when they demonstrate the power of this thought.

Bill also recently published, with Nick Craig and Scott Snook, the second edition of his Discover Your True North Fieldbook: A Personal Guide to Becoming an Authentic Leader.  The book contains a wealth of exercises appropriate for a regular forum meeting or retreat.

Bill has been a member of a forum for decades (what he calls a “True North Group”) and he shared additional experience, guidance, and topical ideas in True North Groups: A Powerful Path to Personal and Leadership Development, co-authored with Doug Baker.

On an HBS alumni conference call, Bill summed up the value of forum this way:

“Forums provide a peer support group where you can get real, where you can be honest about the difficulties you are having, and where you can share the fear of failure which causes so many people to self- destruct.  Having this kind of group in your life is invaluable.”

Bill, thank you for all you do to support the forum experience!